Brought to you by the First Church of the Last Laugh
Rejected Billboards
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to
contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out
between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could
give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied
that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report
future outages by email.
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?)
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of
the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete
the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the
signature to the one I had just
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them
to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it
was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager
commented cheerfully, "This is fun, we should do this more
often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each
other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why
her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the
technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I
already got that side."
BONEHEADS:
A Washington, DC man who, wanting a bigger house built on the same 1.8 acre flood-plain
location as his current home, got an engineer to draw up the plans.
Against all advice to wait for the plans to be approved
for compliance with flood plain zoning ordinances, was
assured that there would be no problem because a neighbor
got approval in 1997 for something similar. He therfore got himself a big old
bulldozer and razed his $76,000 home.
The plans weren’t approved. His family is now homeless.
He can appeal, but it will cost $25,000 in fees to TRY for an
exception, which he now says he has no choice but to try for.
Nobody else can build now either on the property thereby leaving
him with an expensive picnic area costing $75,000 for the house that
is no longer there, $25,000 for the attempted exception and $12,000
for the engineering fees.
Washington Post 27-May-02
Comment made by a Chilean police officer on the arrest of five
Chileans and one Argentinean (bonehead award winners) who ran
a counterfeiting ring producing Argentinean money that, because of
the plummeting value of Argentinean money, had cost them three
times more for the paper and ink than the value of the money they were printing.
La Cuarta (Chile) via Ananova 24-May-02
Bonehead award one, a government as good as it gets,” bonehead award goes
to the Uttar Pradesh Cow Protection Commission in India for making the following
statement to the people of India, with a straight face:"Even if the enemy [Pakistan]
carries out the threat to bomb us with nukes we don't have to panic.
You can fully protect yourselves by covering the roof with cow dung.
Applying cow dung paste to the body from head to toe will serve as an extra shield."
Navyug (India) via Ananova 24-Jun-02
FROM THE "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS" WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
In 1996 I dated a man named Paul who worshipped the advice of Dr. Laura Schlesinger.
As a gift, he gave me her book, "10 Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." As I read
the book I realized I was doing some of those 10 things, especially in
relation to my boyfriend Paul. So I dumped him citing the reasons in the book
of why I should not be with a man like him.
Exposing one’s stupidity ... and more.
A bonehead award goes to four Portuguese women who stood on their balconies or
by their windows after stripping naked to their waist (one stripped completely naked)
after getting a telephone call from a stranger, claiming to be a doctor,
who told them to do this so they could get a mammogram by satellite.
Publico (Portugal) via The Independent (South Africa) 27-Jun-02
He can’t count because he’s dead. But it’s really no change from before.
While fishing with two friends, a Denton, Texas, man had an urge to discharge
his pistol into the lake, and then he had this second urge to point the gun
toward his nose and pull the trigger. If only he could count he would have known
there was still one bullet left in the gun.
He lost count of the rounds when he was firing the gun, said one of his friends.
Star-Telegram (Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas) 6-Aug-02
Bonehead award three, an unclear on the concept bonehead award, goes to security
screeners at the Los Angeles International Airport who confiscated the tiny replica
rifle that they found in a GI Joe soldier toy package because the word for this item
has the letters g-u-n in it. They apparently have not a clue as to what purpose they
serve in their jobs as security screeners.
And what says Judy Powell, the British tourist, whose GI Joe was deemed a security threat?
"I was simply stunned when I realized they were serious," she says. Security examined the toy as if it was going to shoot them ...
Sky News (UK) 5-Aug-02
Bonehead award one, a "You! Out of the gene pool" bonehead award goes to a Kameoka, Kyoto,
Japanese, teenager who was riding a motorcycle and being chased by police for ignoring
too many red lights. When police gave up the chase because they could not manipulate
the narrow roads as well as he could, he turned around to give them the finger,
causing him to unwittingly go through just one final red light.
He died instantly when he hit a taxi.
Mainichi Shimbun (Japan) 14-Aug-02
Kenneth So (bonehead award winner four), a Foster City, California man, burgled a home,
leaving behind a note for the victims saying that he’d return their dog’s cremation
remains if $1,500 was left at a certain local business, according to police
who say they arrested Kenneth So while he was standing around a certain local business.
Bonehead award four goes to a group of West Coast New Zealand women who lodged
a complaint with the Human Rights Commission against a tavern for having a sign
saying, "We don’t serve women here, you have to bring your own," The group
claims it’s a public statement of the tavern’s intent not to serve drinks to women.
The women, to help along their point, filed the complaint with
only the first part of the sign specified, "We don’t serve women here."
When the commission learned about the other half of the sign, they dropped the case.
New Zealand Press Associates via Stuff.co.nz (New Zealand) 23-Aug-02
A too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award, goes to a Long Island,
New York burglar who returned several hours later to a home she robbed to get
her coat that she left behind, police said.
New York Post 1-Mar-03
Bonehead award three goes to a San Diego, California man who physically shoved
police aside so he could jump into a swimming area overtaken by seals to show
the know-nothing National Marine Fisheries Service that people and seals can
indeed safely swim together. He now says he is having second thoughts about
this after being clawed and bitten by the seals who didn’t know it either.
KGTV Channel 10 (San Diego, California) 24-Mar-03
Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes to Glenville,
New York burglar who, when she forgot where she parked her getaway car with
her three month old daughter waiting in it, called 911 to report the car stolen
so police could find it for her. Her wallet was also stolen from the
UNLOCKED car while she was burgling.She now faces charges of filing a false
report, child endangerment and burglary.
WTEN Channel 10 (Albany, NY) 24-Mar-03
Yesterday I was at a red light, prepared to turn left to cross the Genesee River.
There was a young lady in the car in front of me. When our light turned green,
she duly proceeded through the intersection, executing her left turn. Suddenly
she stomped on her brakes, almost inducing me into a rear-end collision.
She stopped because as she was making her turn she noticed the light
(which was still green for our direction) was red on the side she could
now see! So she came to a dead stop directly underneath it, halfway through her turn.
I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get angry; I just went around her with tears in my eyes.
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER???
